Dear Anyone,

Well, I kind of messed this blog up, huh? No letters since 2015? So much for "letter's from a freshman trying to figure out the world" or whatever I wrote in my bio. I always have these grand ideas for things and then life happens and the little things, like this blog, get pushed aside.

I'm a senior in college now. I live in a studio apartment by myself. I'm graduating in December as a double major in Criminology and Law Studies and Psychology. So, a lot has changed since I was a scared little freshman writing letters to her family members that she never actually sent to them. I'm really just updating this for me, because I feel that either this blog should end with this, or have this be like a new beginning.

I still have no idea what I'm doing.

I make up these kind of jobs for myself, say that I'm going to grad school because I have to but have no idea when that's going to happen, pretend that everything is fine and like I have everything figured out. But I don't. Not even close.

There is one thing I have learned though, and that is that everyone else is faking it too. Not one adult has a single clue what's going on. I've had enough problems with my apartment complex to know that not everyone tries to work out the problem in their head before opening their mouth and speaking like I do. Not everyone is professional and organized like you think they should be and that's both comforting and frustrating.

It's comforting because then I know that this isn't just a "me" problem. That everyone is constantly learning and, hopefully, trying to better themselves.

But on the other hand, c'mon, you seriously expect me to believe that you sent me multiple emails telling me that I still had papers to sign for my lease and to "check my junk folder"? No, honey, I'm always on top of my emails, it was you who screwed up and almost lost me my apartment.

Anyway, I suddenly now have a lot to say and the last few years are playing back in my mind and I'm trying to figure out how to explain it all. I should have, like, started a blog or something and continually updated it as the important things happened instead of cramming it into one whole blog...

Maybe I'll keep this thing going. Maybe I'll just come on here when I need to vent. Maybe this'll be it, and I'll read this blog again a few years down the road and find myself thinking about the past again while getting ready for my future.

I'll end things here so I can get back to writing a cognitive psychology paper that I've been putting off. Not exactly the type of writing I want to be doing right now, but hey, I'm almost done.

Thanks for reading.

From Em, with love.

Dear Grandpa,

I've been thinking about you a lot recently. I wonder what you would think of the person I've become. I'm quite different from the little girl that would always want to play ping pong with you. I'm not saying that me wanting to play ping pong with you is what changed. I would give anything to be able to play a game with you at least one more time. I'm just not a little girl anymore. I hope you would be proud of me. Grandma says you would be.

I wonder what you would think of me studying criminology. I don't think I've ever talked to you about me wanting to do something that involved criminal law. It's been a few years since you've went home to heaven but even before that you wouldn't have been able to understand me. That's not your fault though. It's all that stupid disease's fault. Alzheimers. I'm not even going to talk about it.

You weren't around to see me get my driver's license, or celebrate my 18th birthday, or get accepted into my dream university, or graduate high school, or visit me at college during family weekend. I know you were still probably there for all of those somehow, but I wish you could've been here with us in person. You were one of my favorite people in the whole wide world and I miss you so much. Now that the holidays are coming up it's getting tough again. Family gathering's seem to get smaller and quieter. Maybe that's partly because we're all growing up, (you would be so proud of all of your grandchildren. They're really amazing,) but really nothing has been the same since you left.

I hope I continue to make you proud.

Sending you Big Hugs always.

From Em, with love.

Dear Mom,

Hi. It's my first day back from fall break and I already miss being home. I miss you fussing over me. I miss you telling me to come watch TV up with you in your room and letting me take my dinner with me. I miss Sam and Jeff and Dad and the cat and the dog. But most of all I miss feeling like I live there. It's a surreal feeling, being back home. It's all the same yet different at the same time. It shouldn't feel like I'm just visiting in my own house and that's what makes me most upset.

I wish I had more than a weekend. There was so much stuff I wanted to do to make everything seem normal again. Then so many people wanted to see me and I felt really bad. I wanted to make time for everyone but in that I took time away from you. You were so excited that I was going to be home while the other two were in school because that meant that you got time alone with me. I'm so sorry that didn't really happen. But the thought was eating away at me all weekend.

I'll be back in two weeks though. I'm still not sure how ready I am to get a tattoo, but you're so excited about it, so I'll do it for you.

By the way, this school is not my "home." Home is wherever you guys are. I just spend a lot of my time here.

To the moon and back.

From Em, with love

Dear Sam,

I missed you this today for family weekend. You ditched me again for you friends. I can't say that I'm not upset. You did this the last time I was home too. I wish you knew how hard it is being away from everyone and that every time I get to see you, even if it's only for a few hours, it's special to me.

We had our choir concert today and I was really hoping you would be there. I've never done anything like it before and I really wanted you to see that I'm taking more risks. I'm being more like you. But I also kinda wanted to show off how high I could sing because even I didn't know I could sing as high as I do. Plus I wanted to show you my friends and tell you about my adventure last night!

My friend invited me to this concert that I assumed was at her friend's school. So we got on a bus and walked a little through the city to her friend's dorm only for me to find out that we had to walk more and take another bus to some sketchy punk "stage" building thing in a part of the city I was not familiar with. I was scared out of my mind, Sam, but I figured this would bring me out of my comfort zone a little. Anyway it was a super small thing, like maybe only 35-40 people and they were all older. I think we were the youngest there. Overall the first band I liked, the second was okay, and the third was not my cup of tea and I was super anxious during the whole thing because it was late at night and I was concerned with getting a bus home. Plus they were mashing and a ladder fell on my hand and it hurt..

Anyway! When we were leaving we realized that the bus we were going to get on never stopped at an actual stop the first time, so I began to freak out even more. We were alone in the city at midnight frantically trying to figure out which bus gets us back home. Eventually we split up, me and my friend, and then the two girls from the other school. We eventually found a bus stop for a bus that ended right at the stop outside our dorm and I was okay again. Although it was terrifying and I'll never do it again, at least I could say I branched out.

I hope you had fun at your anti-homecoming celebration. You deserve to have a fun time with your friends. I'm sorry I haven't really been there for you much because I've been at school.

From Em, with love.

Dear Daddy,

I'm sitting in my dorm room listening to Spotify all alone. Tim McGraw's song "My Little Girl" is playing so I thought of you and now here I am writing this letter. I added that song because you posted it to my Facebook page the other day and you're not really sentimental like that, so it made me so happy yet bawl like a baby.

I guess we're alike like that. I let my actions speak louder than words, but sometimes it's the words that you need to hear, (or in this case read.) I don't think I thank you or mom as much as I should. You're the best parents I could ask for and I have no idea where I would be without your love and support. I work hard everyday to make you proud to have me for your daughter. It's because of you that I have the opportunities that I do. You're smart, hardworking, strong, funny and a man that I am so proud to call my dad.

Now that that's all out of the way, I really miss you. I know I don't talk to you everyday, but I do think of all of you. I think of how I'm no longer there on the couch trying not to laugh when you make fun of mom, I think of how you're going off on these fun day trips to other states/countries for work and I don't get to hear about them as soon as you get back, I think of how I'm so close, yet so far from home.

Everything is different, but I guess it's a good different. I'm sorry for this letter, it's kind of all over the place. Maybe I'll rewrite it if I ever get my thoughts together.

Love you to the moon and back.

From Em, with love.

Dear Blogger,

After contemplating for a while on whether or not I wanted to make a blog detailing my life as I make my way through college, I finally decided to go through with the idea. I was thinking that I could write them in a letter format so it could be a little more personal.
I don't really know what I'm doing, and I don't know if anyone would actually see any of this, but I think it would be a great way for me to be able and look back on my life.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the future ramblings of a college freshman trying to figure out how the real world works, until next time.

From Em, with love.